Sex and the University ~ the blog

Considering that the nicest automobiles in the world are also the most expensive, it doesn't surprise me that the best personal pleasure machine ever produced is also one of the most expensive! I've not heard of too many complaints from the owners of a Rolls Royce and the same goes for the Caesar Machine. Some things are just worth the cost.
-Richard Rain Owner Roman Industries, Patent Holder of Caesar Machine

Women, rejoice. Meet Cesar, The Sex Machine. Available now, affordable. In one size: huge. It does not know dysfunction, does not need feeding, does not need to pee at the wrong moment.

Natural-looking huge penis at the end of a long metallic stick (not very esthetic, but serves the purpose). The stick can be fixed at the end of your bed. You have a remote control that allows you to pick the strength and the frequency of thrusts.

It’s not bitter Julie-who’s-been-getting-the-worse-sex-of-her-life-lately who’s speaking. Sounds like a bad porn movie? IT IS. (The machine is really on the market)

Title: Sex and the Machine
Director: Jenifer James
Productor: Richard Rain, 2007 (Patent holder of the Machine, remember?)
1hr45min

What you get:

- cheap leather costumes

- elevator music that makes you want to press the mute button as often as the fastforward one.

- sadomasochistic action. Oh and pleeeease, the savage-looking Tarzan look-alike character is way overdone.

- big fake boobs; If there is one moment that you get to be superficial, it’s when you watch porn. I don’t care if she’s blonde and has boobs twice the size of her head; if her face looks like a man’s and the boobs do not look like boobs, it is time to retire

What you do not get:

a soundtrack that is actually in sync with the action: Slurpy blowjob noises while the action is sadomasochistic whipping does not get anymore not-exciting.

Finally, it's okay to talk to your dog, but NOT to your sex toy/machine, whatever you want to call this device. No matter how much you 'don't need men'. 'You're not okay, you're perfect' oh pleaaaaase. Electricity serves me great for some things, but for others... Women empowerment, 24/7 availability, performance, sure, but I cannot believe for a second that this thing could be satisfying. It would break my non-heart if I ever got to this point. If you want to promote sustainable energy, there are electric cars. I'm not ready to buy myself orgasms, and even if they were free... At least ShoppingChannel infomercials don't have me screaming in horror. The movie does a poor job at selling the device, to say the least.

It's a good thing I was in good company.

LeBron James and Gisele Bundchen

And she's been getting a lot lately.

I kept thinking about her when I was getting my own sexual healing late tonight. EmotionallyRetardedPartner did not notice. Unzip, come, zip. My phone lost his number.

Euphemism: I am worried about her. If only she could see herself the way I -and everyone- see her.


''I wish I had known as a teenager what I know today about my body; that whatever the shape or size, it's perfect'' (Felicity Huffman)

People tend to think that bisexuality is more of a very open state of self-exploration than a permanent sexual orientation. It is "homosexuality lite", "You're either gay, straight or lying," Type of comments that fit in a straightjacket.

Some experts, like Freud, concluded that humans are naturally bisexual. My opinion? You know what turns you on, men, women, horses- no need for a label, be it an identity or just a phase. "Bisexuality doubles your chances of getting a date for Saturday night" -Woody Allen. Whatever, I say Carpe diem.

I, for myself, love men. Actually I love penises. Men... I have yet to find some real ones. However, I find real beauty in women. On Alfred Kinsey’s scale of 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6(exclusively homosexual), I am not homosexual, I am not heterosexual. In Kinsey’s words, "The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats." I am sexual, period. Sexuall. I guess that makes me a 3.

So I don't really have a type, penis or vagina, pecs or breasts (although I don't do women with pecs), thin or a little chubby, tall or short, hairy or not (women with body hair, then again, I don't do). Call me nympho, I call myself curious and most of all, appreciative of the human body. The body is beautiful in itself. Sucks for you, I have twice as much variety. And who says I need to pick.

A common belief is that bisexuals cannot be happy when they pick only a man or only a woman. I believe this is wrong. I mean, I'm attracted to brunettes and redheads, but if I date a brunette, I don't also need to have a redhead on the side. Granted, hair color is insignificant compared to penis/vagina, but the comparison fits my point of view.

__

I first knew when I was working in a summer camp with mentally and physically challenged campers. I never learnt so much from two weeks; for one, it gave me the drive to become a doctor, and for two, it got me interested in women. My experience with another counselor lasted three months. She was very feminine, taller, long brown hair, tanned, green eyes, 4 years older. And full breasts. But most of all, it was her voice, the way she walked, the way she looked at me. Her energy. I have a thing for artists. She knew that with every look she got me intrigued to a point when it became unbearable. It was hard to concentrate on giving the best care to our campers when I knew she was staring at me. She told me she was obsessed with checking out my ass. It made me laugh, she would wink at me.

I woke up everyday and gave my all to make our campers happy, sometimes making a fool out of myself just to get a quick smile. But when I let myself think of her, during our few breaks, while cooking, in bed, in the shower, I could always imagine her with me, on top of me, under me. I was at year 3 of experience with men, so it was not that I was getting tired (and I am still not getting tired and I doubt I ever will).

The teasing was very subtle. She knew I had a boyfriend, he actually came all the way from Montreal to visit. She found him very attractive. After the first day, we got very close, we didn't have the same interests except for the urge to help others. And she helped me allright! The weather was perfect. And the evenings. After a couple of midnight swims with other counselors, we started hanging out on the beach just us two. We were naked in the lake, but nothing happened.

On my second night-guard (every night, one of us had to stay with our group of campers) she came to keep me company. **side note: I discovered that mentally challenged individuals have a very healthy sex life. We actually discovered that one of our campers masturbated every night, and seriously I still wonder if she watched porn regularly because the way she moaned… let’s just say if we closed our eyes we would think she was enjoying the best and, hehe, longest sex of a lifetime. I was very happy for her**

So when the last camper fell asleep, she (the counselor, not the camper!) somehow managed to squeeze in with me in my "sleeping" bag. She must have known that I had never been with women. Respectfully but in a determinate manner, she caressed me while we were talking, like if it was what people usually do. It felt right. Then I got to know her tongue and fingers. She got to know mine. She said she needed me.

I offered to do every night guard. The other counselors were in heaven. I was exhausted, but it was worth it. Every night I was eager to know if she would come back. And she did. I needed her. Quickly it was also the mornings. I love to eat, but it was worth skipping breakfast.

When I got back to Montreal, I would come back to visit her every week for the rest of the summer. I had my boyfriend, and we eventually broke up. I was under the impression that some men liked women who like women, but apparently, not him, and seriously, I did not give a fuck.

Since then, I have not really been with other women. I miss her. I have never been attracted to any of my girl friends that I know are heterosexual. I would try out new stuff if I knew that the other girl was up for it too.

All I know is that I am, most of the time, up for doing it with any of my carefully chosen men. I also know that I want to have a family with a man I will love. Although I will never belong to anyone, men know I belong to them. But for now, what really gets me is challenge. Erotic and emotional. And the sky knows that I am not getting any challenge from guys my age. Actually I do, but that guy is my crush and it's a secret. I also have a crush on a girl right now. I love the teasing. I hate men who play hard to get. But women who do keep me awake. What gets me is sensuality, way more than sexuality. I'm not a nympho, I'm bicurious. I’m sitting on the fence And I am free.

Genital Retraction Syndrome (or Koro): culture specific anxiety disorder where the individual is distressed with the perception that that his/her external genitals (also breasts for women) are retracting into the body, shrinking, or even removed.

Recent outbreaks have been reported in Nigeria, Benin and Ghana and generally involve the public accusation of penis theft, often following an unwelcome touch from a stranger.

Some cases in Thailand have placed the blame on Vietnamese Communist agents who would have put chemicals in the water (I’m not joking). Minor Koro epidemics have seized parts of Asia, including a well-documented 1967 outbreak in Singapore. Hospitals were inundated. Many resorted to clamps, pegs, and even a constant firm grip from concerned family members (plural??) desperately trying to prevent the member from vanishing. (again, not joking)

RACISM
In Sudan, victims were made to believe by force of suggestion that their penises would melt away after they shook hands, shared a comb, or received a verbal curse. The Sudanese columnist Ja'far Abbas warned visitors to avoid shaking hands with "a dark-skinned man" or else…

MEDICAL OPINION
Obviously, doctors find that there is no actual shrinkage; any actual damage arises from overly zealous attempts at preventing retraction. Medical response is to inform patients that the genitals anatomically cannot retract or shrink in the manner feared (yes, even if it is very very small)



In my opinion, this disorder is the result of big fat phallocentrism. If Freud came across this, he would probably relate/blame the ‘theft’ on his theory of the female unfulfillable (without technology, that is) desire to own a phallus. (I won’t start commenting on that theory…!)

Definitely, a man without a penis is not a man. Though I am far from saying that owning a penis makes you a man. Mmm... let's see, brains? It's a good thing that there are no disorders that make men think they physically lost their head. But then again, you can't lose what you don't have. And when they do have brains, it's not always a conscious ownership. How often do men self-stimulate their brains? whereas their penis...

I understand trying to hold on to your valued possessions. However, in areas where Koro occurs, this phallocentric energy needs to be invested somewhere else, maybe... sex education.

Also, I definitely believe that this type of anxiety is contagious. For example, if you know that this syndrome exists, you might be more prone to 'getting it'. So sorry.

If you don’t want details, please don’t read this.

Let’s just say I really don’t need my condoms to be lubricated these days. And, like, it causes problems with my recent fucks. I guess I shouldn’t complain, usually women get the opposite. All I know is that I REALLY CANNOT picture myself old and dry.

Quoted advice from (un?)trustworthy website.
Anything that dries up the mouth. In general, if it dries the mouth, then it will also affect the vagina somewhat. Examples would be decongestants, antihistamines, cold formulas, certain antidepressants, alcohol, cigarettes, & marijuana. While these may work to some degree, wetness & corresponding tightness levels are not controllable, not to mention that a dry mouth is not as tasty during kissing & is more conductive to bad breath due to lack of saliva. (BAHAHAHA)

Use of a fan blowing on the genital area. Not a practical solution, as it primarily results in making the couple cold, while having little impact on internal vaginal secretions.
(Once again, BAHAHAHA)

Insert a sponge or cloth. One of the more embarrassing techniques as it must be done intermittently. Couples find this a big turn off. The technique though, is to wrap a thin sheet/towel around a couple of fingers. Insert the fingers to soak up vaginal wetness. Proceed with intercourse. Repeat as necessary. While this method does work, re-entry of vagina is difficult & painful because this method absorbs ALL the lubrication. Within a few minutes however, as arousal increases again, there will once again be too much wetness. With this method, there is no way of controlling the desired level of wetness & tightness.
(Ok I assure you, my despair level is like... below zero compared to these women)

Oh aaaaaand the website says that Whatever option I choose, I should look for a solution that is satisfactory for both partners. Finding the right level of lubrication can lead to more frequent sex, and a closer relationship between partners

It's sexy time. NOT

Personally, I love to cook. I also enjoy eating. But the best part is seeing someone else enjoy what you prepared for them. In my opinion, there are only a few things more attractive then seeing someone (both sexes) delectate in food; a girl biting a sandwich, eating with a healthy appetite. Salads? Only to open appetite. I do the cooking for myself, but most of all for others.

Why there should be head classes.
Blowjobs are automatically female task (in heterosexual encounters) as much as cooking was in the 40s. However, it does not mean it diminishes female status. It gives them power. Hold back food from your guy and see what he’ll do for you. Hold back head from your guy and see what he’ll do for you. And then offer Great Head or serve Delicious Meatball spaghetti, and see where it brings you. I know my Canard aux Olives got me out of the kitchen many times.

So why not learn to do it well. I personally hate it when people fake that they like a present, or pretend to enjoy your overcooked pasta... and I do think that most polite guys would pretend the blowjob is good if you're really into it (and maybe that's the problem). Some people are born with a talent, and others, well, don’t own restaurants and have to learn. Yeah there’s blowjob, like there’s spaghetti. But there is also MindBlowing blowjobs as much as there is Grandma’s Authentic spaghetti sauce. And don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that Grandma’s sauce is exclusive (hehe) and can't be shared and taught.

Logistics
10 females students and one teacher, plus lucky *volunteers* to work on. I don’t know who I would trust to teach me head, but all I know is that the volunteers’ advice will be valuable – once they get back their ability to speak. I am well aware that this sounds like a really bad porn scenario, sorry.

Why this is not denigrating
- I’m not saying every guy deserves great head. I’m not saying guys should not also be experts at cooking/oral sex. Knowing how to cook does not mean you have to cook everyday. And chefs go to the restaurant too…
-Exactly like for the choice of a partner, I think we should never settle down for less than the best.
-Just the satisfaction of knowing you cook like a chef is enough, even without lucky people to try out your tasty dishes.
-I really think you do it for yourself (don’t call me narcissistic!), and you are very generous at the same time.
-Where it gets you is usually far from denigrating.

Anyway… Hard Penises without head don’t exactly overpopulate someone's (aka... a good friend of mine's) bedroom these days.

My attention span never lasts more than two hours when I study- the urge to go to the gym always creeps in. Sometimes, more than once a day. It’s the most superficial place I know, and yet I’m always back for more- it’s a love/hate relationship. Like when I keep calling the guy who won’t get hard for I-dunno-what-reason-but-it-hurts-the-heart-i-don't-have.

Yeaya I got for the health benefits, to feel happy inside and out.

Aaaaand, for The eye-fuckers: make me feel like I'm standing naked just with a quick look. And somehow it feels great. The fuckables: I undress them with a quick look and am always very satisfied. The blasés; I don’t even get a look, and that makes me stare even more. Oh and also the personal trainers- you know they’ve worked out with more than one woman.

You also have the potentials friends, for example, yesterday, the gay guy on the spinner who’s in top shape and is bored even though he’s at max speed/max resistance: gossips about the magazine he’s reading. So friendly. Twice the new friend’s size: the Ginos. Everytime I go, I feel they got bigger. Now, I know some girls like to feel safe around their man. But for certain (other) parts of the body, bigger is not better. When I could fit two (very-healthy-sized) thighs of mine in one of your arms… you might want to stop spending your weekly check on Weigh And Egg Weightgainers. And finally, the sweaters: almost make me feel guilty of not sweating the 45% of water my body is made from. Dude it’s called an antiperspirant and most importantly, deodorant. I still like watching them though! I dunno, it’s just totally addictive. Oh and by the way, I also work out while at the gym.

Bonus: tips for gymers *I love it when guys look like they don’t really care how they look- guys and sweat pants… worth sweating. *Stop staring at girls wearing skanky 'gym clothes'. They know they’re hot.*It’s not because you stopped staring at the skanky girls that you get to stare at yourself in the mirror for like…so long you forgot when was the last time you blinked. *Beware of the geeeerms

I wish my gym crushes actually led to some actual working out, you know, if only I could stop staring and actually do something. maaaaah the only thing I don't work out at the gym is my brains. I don't mind